Reacting to: Rise of Skywalker

Obviously, this is chock full of spoilers. Also, it's a reaction, not a review. If you haven't seen the movie, it probably won't make a lot of sense. So go see it if you haven't. 


Let's be real, any time a movie has a character announce "I'm the spy" has problems.  Any movie that has a character do that, and then kills them almost immediately has serious issues.

I really liked The Rise of Skywalker.  It's a lot of fun to watch.  But also, "I am all the Sith" and "I am all the Jedi" is stupid banter.  And Rey kills The Emperor anyway, so why doesn't she... absorb all the souls(?) of the Sith, like he said.  Why can Ben bring back Rey but Rey not bring back Ben?  Wouldn't it be great to have them each revive each other for like 5 minutes, until finally Luke's voice is like OK FINE MAYBE SOMETIMES SOMEONE REALLY IS GONE!

In a universe with spaceships, why even have watercraft at all?

My main issue must be laid at the feet of productions.  Abrams and Johnson obviously had different plans for the series, and didn't work hard enough to iron them out.  Nothing in the previous two movies hints at Palpatine surviving, much less having a child (Who is the mother??) who survived long enough to have another child.  What was interesting about Rey was that she could be anyone.  Nope, turns out she's powerful because she has the right blood.

Canto Bight showed us people were profiting off the galaxy's war, which was an interesting look into the politics of war.  But also Palpatine has a secret fleet of planet busting Star Destroyers.  A) Who's funding him?  It can't be that 1%, then the fleet is no longer secret (No billionare is going to bankroll a secret fleet that will blow up planets.  Where's the ROI in that?) B)  What is Palpatine's plan?  If he blows everybody up, who will he rule over, and why?  I mean, he's evil I guess, but still.

I wish I knew more about the Knights of Ren.  I wish I knew anything about them, actually.  When Ben fought them they didn't even have their lightsabers handy.

I wish Rey had out and out killed the Emperor, and then something like this had happened:
*Rey, sits on throne*
Emperor's voice: Aah, yes.  All the Sith.   Do you feel them?
Rey:  I feel their fear of losing.
Emperor: Fear leads to anger
Rey:  I am angry at my destiny
Emperor:  Anger leads to hate
Rey:  I hate that my friends are dying.
Emperor:  Hate, leads to suffering.
Rey:  I will not suffer the Sith to endure.

Then she does something awesome.  I don't know, maybe a cool backflip.  Or she fights all of the Emperor's cultists.  I'm thrilled Rey almost went dark, and I wish they had let her get closer to the point of no return.

Chewie should have died.  C-3P0's memory wipe should have been for real.  Those stakes that felt on first watching will not be there again.  It isn't like Gandalf dying where at least he stays dead the rest of that movie.  Chewie's barely "dead" 20 minutes.  And holy shit what an awesome moment for Rey to be like "Oh God my power killed my friend."  I don't think this movie was very brave.

JJ Abrams doesn't seem to like Rose.  Leia had more lines than she did, and she dies and is played by someone who is dead.  Pippin is in this movie, but I couldn't tell you his name or rank or anything besides "warrior".  I know the actor's name isn't Pippin.

The Emperor's fleet is staffed by real people.  What have they been doing for the last 30 years on that planet?  What do you do when you're a secret fleet?  Do they run drills?  Where do they get their food from?  Why do ships always work despite being abandoned and/or underwater for decades.

I understand this would be a totally different movie, but I wish we had followed Chewie and Lando through the galaxy, rounding up supporters.  I know what hopeless space battles look like.  Show me recruitment!

Why do Star Destroyers need guidance lifting off a planet?  That seems like a terrible design flaw.  Even worse is when you're worried the enemy will blow up your signal tower, so you just turn it off before they even land, allowing them to switch course easily.

I think I was supposed to know the imperial who took over for Hux.  I did not.  I miss Hux.  He was the only character in the First Order willing to call Kylo Ren out on his bullshit.  He was also, apparently, an exceedingly bad spy.  Why didn't he just leave with the others?  #FuxHux.

I wish there were more drums in the celebration scene.  The drums at the end of Return of the Jedi are superb.

I wish there had been a Duel of Fates appearance.

What is Rey going to do now?  Will she become a moisture farmer?  Also, has no one moved into the Lars' estate?  Moisture farms seem like THE MOST important kind of property on Tatooine.  How is it almost untouched?  Also, if Rey is now a Skywalker, does that mean she kissed her cousin?  Star Wars has too much incest.

This movie was fun for me in a way The Last Jedi was not.  I've been nitpicking this movie all post, but I do it out of love and not frustration.  I've been grinning all evening.  What an enjoyable way to wrap up such a saga.

Poor Rose.  She just runs around and says some lines.  SHE PREVIOUSLY KISSED FINN AND IMPLIED THAT SHE LOVED HIM!  And now...

What is spice in Star Wars?  Drugs?  The only Star Wars drug I recognize is "death sticks".  I wish Poe was a Death Sticks runner.  He also turns to Finn and says "You were a Stormtrooper" as if Finn chose that job and then he says "You were a scavenger" to Rey as if that's even something bad.  I wish Poe had turned to 3P0 and said "YOU WERE MADE BY DARTH VADER AND HAVE STUPID PROGRAMMING!!"  Imagine having a computer that wouldn't open Mein Kampf.  I understand the reasoning, but reading it also helps us fight future (AND CURRENT) Hitlers.

I guess we'll never know why C-3P0 had a red arm.

"Excellent decision, sir. *Explosion* Terrible decision, sir."

Imagine being the emperor and being so worried about your second-in-commands kids, and then also having a kid of your own and not, I dunno, doing anything about it.  Seriously when does the emperor have time to bang someone?

AND WHAT IS THAT KID'S LIFE LIKE!  Imagine being the secret son of an evil emperor, but also knowing enough to know he's evil and that his powers are being passed down to you and you will pass them down to your children AND YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN ANYWAY like whoever Rey's dad is now THAT is a Star Wars Story movie I want to see.

I'm glad Rey healed that serpent.  That was great.  Rey's a fantastic character who wrestles with dangerous emotions because she wants to be good but is inclined to be bad.

When Rey kissed Ben someone shouted "No!" in the theater and it was hilarious.

Remember when Maz said she wanted to date Chewie?  I wish they had followed through on that.

In 100 years some kid is gonna find those lightsabers while digging in the sand and it is going to just RUIN that day of space-kindergarten.